Man it sucks when an passions, love, hobby becomes an obligations. I'm sure many know what i mean and how it feels when something you used to love to do turns into something you just want to get over with. When something you would easily volunteer to do is now the thing you regret and feel like you have to do. When that passion and flame has died down and become a barely glowing ember. It seems sad that it can burn out so quickly and then what are you supposed to do. Give up all the responsibility and possibly make enemies and leave others out to dry or just not care and hope nobody is upset?

Well this is how kung fu, my once passion and mistress, has begun to feel in my life. I am so torn because i don't want to leave anyone else out to hang and pick up the slack that I am leaving but I don't know how much longer i can go on like this. I feel like i HAVE to go in and i have to try and keep the morale of the school up but i don't want to at all. Maybe i am being selfish and maybe i am not thinking of others enough but i don't know what to do. I never really want to go in and practice and frankly i am tired and running out of excuses. I don't know what else to say except i really don't feel like going. All i ever do now is go into teach and then leave and I don't even pay much attention while teaching anymore. The whole school has changed and i have told people all of this before and nothing has changed since then and i find that ridiculous.

Not to mention that my best friend is quiting in 15 hours, and i don't know how much more i can do there without him. It may seem strange or like a bitch move on my part but he has been one of the few reasons that i kept on going in. I don't know the whole school has lost something and nobody is trying to revive it or try to save it. Not even our master really, he has turned the whole thing into an American business and it is driving everyone away slowly but surely. Then his typical Chinese personality gets in the way because he is to stubborn to show that he cares about anyone and he is to secretive to make it so we keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. Life is so fucking complex, why the hell does money change people so much???? Fuck like seriously what happened to the heart. I think breakfast club was right, "When you grow up, your heart dies."

i feel like im losing alot of people, but hey its straight i honestly understand people grow out of things even other people and its fine with me. I will miss them and i will wish them the best but i will not fight the common nature of it and if we happen to stray off and lose each other i will not be mad at them. i will rejoice for the time i did have with them and i will rejoice for the person they helped make me. so many huge people in my life are now gone that another few really is fine with me. i hope they get everything they deserve and they find all the happiness in the world. life is splendid if you really want to look at it like that. find the good side of something and it will be okay, i know its hard but it is possible.

I have kinda also been obsessing about this postsecret with the Bruno Munari forks and i kinda want to know what it means but i dont because that ruins the whole thing. There is the intrepretation from munari that the first one is grief second is fear/denial/hiding and the third is anger. or it could be talking about friends/family or even about mental stability. Maybe even eating disorder or something like that. the options are countless and i think this is one of the best secrets because it means so many different things to everyone. everyone can turn it into what they want it is amazing. I love the secret and I love the person who made it.

hey i got a question, should i feel betrayed that my bestfriend and ex are dating? i dont know how to feel, part of me wants to just kirk out and be like i hate you fools but the other part of me is liek you cant interfere if they are happy. I am so torn do i want to keep myself stable and kirk or should i just let it be eat a little at me and hurt our friendships some but let them be happy. i dont really even know if i can trust him like this cause i found out he acts like he doesnt like her at all to me and then with her he is cuddling and hugging and acting lovey dovey. i think thats the worst part that he is bold faced lying to me. i dont think it would matter as much if he just came out and was like"I like michelle" i mean that isnt that hard and it would mean so much to me. I dont know what to even do with those two.

spring break sucks when you let other peoples problems wear you out. honestly i have helped like 10 people with relationship problems or just life in general and i dont really mind at all but it is finally taking a toll on me. plus no closure on my problems makes it kinda hectic. i know i shouldnt let their problems affect me or change me but we are only human and its hard to resist being affected at all. its strange being the one that is gone to with problems and helping people. i used to be the ass everyone was scared of but now im helping peoples. strange scene chang but its fine i will find myself somewhere and i wll keep my head held high.

Life is an intresting thing, it throws these tests at you to see what you are made of. but remember that it isnt how you start something but how you finish it and the choices you make. so make the right choices and be a good person.

Love you all for readin and thanks.

So today i was in my second car accident in the last month. It kind of sucks because i know i have another concussion which deff is not good for me but eh i really dont care. I been kind of nastolgic lately. missing all the stuff i used to do and well all the weight got lifted from my shoulders at once and i am falling apart. Life has slowed down all at once and its strange cause i feel like i can slack but then i start failing. School there is less work and everything, Kung fu there are almost no demos, Friends they seem to be nonexistant and Girls I have no fucking clue i just suck with them haha. Yeah its feel so strange like i know i have tons of homework right now but i feel no motivation or drive to really care about it. So yeah I totaled my car. and everyone sayus car crashes arent anything liek the movie but let me tell you that they are everything like the movies, it all slows down and you see every second or at least in both of mine i did. I am glad nobody is hurt but i am fucking screwed with insurance and everything. I miss tons of stuff, like seeing or talking to some certain people but they will never really understand. I did realize though that one of my worst regrets is never learning to be able to talk to people online or on the phone and carry conversation. I really suck at it and it pisses me off. Like i lose so many people that way but i cant help it. I dont know i wish i knew how to but i also think if i knew then i wouldnt be quite the same person i am. I dont know i just wish i knew the what ifs in life but i guess that would make it boring. So many things i wish i knew but i never will. Oh well, another couple people down the drain but i will always be there for them if they need me no matter what.

PS sorry it is all over the place and unorganized, like i said i got a concussion so i am just typing what i think at the moment.

So it has been awhile due to midterms and crap. So i basically studied my ass off and so far it is looking like it paid off. On my Ap chemistry test i got a 59.5% with a 30% curve so it counts as an A. The lowest A possible but still an A and that was all i needed to get an A for the semester. I was so happy and i think it helped me do better on my other tests. Once that pressure was lifted i kindof slacked off because i didnt think anything could compare to that and all my other grades were pretty locked in besides Ap Human Geography(Studying about who goes where and why, lots of migration, population, ethniticity and what not) which is not a strong spot for me. This one i had to pull off a B on the midterm and i went in not confident at all but i found out today that I got my B so that makes it all worth while. Got my Mock SAT which is pretty much the test and I got a 1670 which doesnt seem that great but i dont know what it should be since they left out a whole section that is kept secret every year. So all said and done I think i did pretty well last semester and that was missing like half the second quarter soooooooo I hope i can keep it up.

Next topic, loyalty, seems gone in todays time period. Really sad actually that people would do anything just to save themselves. I mean i know some people out there have their loyalties and i know i have talked briefly about this but what happened to peoples words. If you say or promise something what happened to actually doing it and following through. Maybe people just care so much less now and thats sad. this was brought on because one of my best friends who i am in human geography for and staying in it for today told me they dropped the class. They personally told me they would stay and asked me to so they wouldnt be lonely and hell i did and what do i find out, they switched out. What the hell? at least tell me you are planning on dropping. Someone i has always stood by and someone i would do anything to help. I never even asked for reasoning when they needed help or anything. I have been by their side time and time again and no warning and leaving me high and dry. Blows my mind. What happened to unity, to loyalty? All value seems lost right now and I will keep my loyalty to everyone i have offered it to. I will try my best to keep all my values. Make sure i dont dishonor myself or my family or my friends and I will try to always keep my word. My word is my bond and i will keep all of them. You need help and I am there by your side. Just send me a message or a IM or a call and i will do my best.

Woot my birthday is on the 29th. BOOOOOST, hopefully i will get to do something and i wont get jumped to bad. Hope i am able to get my camera eventually, soon i wish.

Soooo New years. Who is thinking about resolutions, I know i should. 

So here is my list:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Yeah all blank I dont think it is worth making resolutions when you know you wont even fulfill them. Just a waste of time and thought. Sure you can fool everyone else but when it comes down to it in the end you cant fool yourself and thats the only person that these really matter to.

Instead of planning the future I am going to look at the past and learn from it all. Just think about it, the stuff you should have done, would have done, wanted to do, how you changed, what made you happy, made you sad, what you regret and what you dont, how honest you were, who you were genuine with, the people in general. Who was there when you started and suddenly left as fast as they came, who you care about but have strayed away from, who you kept close and who you chased away. the people you loved and the ones you hated. Think about the songs, the ones you drove to, the ones you loved and the ones who drove you nuts. How you changed and how you are the same. From all that you learn, change and all these interactions and experiences make something inside us happen. we transform and become something new with every memory, thought, action that happens. With every second that passes by we are different, so learn from your past and your future will be easier.

Im going to be 17 soon. Woooohooooo